What If You Initiated Sex

Tasha Levert

One question I get asked a lot from women is, “How can I feel more comfortable about initiating sex?”

If initiating makes you feel uncomfortable, you’re not alone. Some women struggle to get past their good-girls-don’t-like-sex upbringings, while others feel intimidated by today’s over-sexualized culture. Regardless of where you are on the spectrum, initiating with dignity is possible.

Good girls do like sex. We were created to enjoy making love. Did you know an orgasm is not necessary for reproduction? God created sexual pleasure just because he wanted us to experience sexual pleasure. Crazy, I know!

Today’s over-sexualized culture is intimidating for many of us, but we don’t have to buy in to Hollywood’s lame version of intimacy. Instead, find your own style. Discover what makes you feel comfortable and go for it. Below are some ideas for making initiating sex feel a little less weird:

  • Designate a certain candle in your house or bedroom as “the candle” – lighting it becomes your way of initiating sex.
  • Come up with a code. It can be a verbal or non-verbal code: a gesture, a phrase, an emoji, a secret handshake, a smoke signal, a message in a bottle, anything. Just use that code!
  • Establish a certain perfume as “the scent” – only wear it when you want to be intimate (this perfume can be an effective trigger for helping you want to be intimate). When you smell the perfume it will remind you that you were created to enjoy sex, and it will send a pretty clear message to your husband that tonight could be a good night.
  • Declare a certain song as “the song.” When you play it, sing it, hum it or toot it on a horn, you’re saying, “I’m thinking we should turn in early tonight.”
  • Surprise him by initiating something out of your sexual norm: get in the shower with him, wake him up in the middle of the night, kiss him with passion, send him a text on why coming home early, or at least on time, this evening could benefit him.
  • Notice your husband when he comes home from work and greet him with a kiss . . . a good kiss. Bonus points if your kids say, “Ewwwww.”
  • Touch him . . . there. This technique typically sends a pretty clear message.
  • Just say it. There is nothing dirty about telling your husband that you desire him.

Don’t overthink it.

All you need is five seconds of courage.

Initiating starts now: Skip doing the laundry, take a nap, order take-out, be brave and initiate sex today. You can do it!

Tasha Levert, Ph.D., is a licensed professional counselor in New Orleans who provides face-to-face and online care. She is a conference speaker, worship leader and the author of Stories of Hope for the Sleep Deprived.Tasha and her husband Tim (Pastor with Students at the Vineyard Church of New Orleans) have three beautiful daughters and a lazy schnauzer named Gumbo.
To find out more about Tasha or her practice go to

Does the idea of initiating sex excite or intimidate you?